


There is always good left fighting for

by confettisprinkles



Series: No good left fighting for [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Bonding, Boys In Love, Declarations Of Love, Depression, Dorks in Love, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Good Sibling Isabelle Lightwood, Good Sibling Jace Wayland, Happy Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus is a good boyfriend, Panic Attacks, Protective Magnus Bane, Recovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, True Love, Worry, depressed thoughts, from the past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-02-16 16:39:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18695314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confettisprinkles/pseuds/confettisprinkles
Summary: Alec Lightwood has been struggling for years with depression but he finally sees a therapist. Alec is doing a lot better than before but still has a long way to go. It's been a few months since his first therapy session when things start to change in a good way. Unfortunately, there are some other things Alec has to deal with so it may be a tough journey. Luckily, he has Magnus next to his side and Jace and Izzy to battle his demons along with him.





	1. How amazing I am

**Author's Note:**

  * For [I_am_Magnus_Bane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_Magnus_Bane/gifts), [Hishiroo](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Hishiroo).



> Hi again! It’s been awhile! After I finished the first series of ‘no good left fighting for’ I didn’t think much about the story again until a few days ago when I_am_Magnus_Bane messaged me. This chapter is a gift for I_am_Magnus_Bane because I want to thank you for inspiring to write again and all your kind words. I also want to gift this to Hishiroo because of your undying support for all the work I have made before. So thank you for believing in me :) 
> 
> At the time, when I finished chapter 13 I felt like I wasn’t done with Alec’s journey. I looked closely to the story again and it made me realize that there are still some things that need to be worked out, so I thought why not make a second series of this story where you can read how Alec makes progress in his recovery from depression. I can’t promise to update regularly as it takes me a lot of time to come up with a chapter that is worth publishing. However I hope you will enjoy the rest of this journey :) 
> 
> Big love, 
> 
> Confettisprinkles

Today it’s been exactly three months since my first therapy session. It should mean that I have been going to therapy for three months already. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I have been going to therapy for two months, but that’s not important right now.

 

I must confess, therapy helped me a lot. Helen, my therapist, understands me extremely well. She made me see myself in a way I couldn’t before. Every session she would dig a little deeper and let me look at things from a different perspective. Thanks to her I learned to deal better with my emotions instead of blocking them.

 

I know now that it’s okay to feel sad. We are not destined to be only happy, after all. There are always going to be things in life that are going to upset us. The trick is to control how you respond to unexpected situations. She would drill into me that I am in control of how I feel and no one else. In the end you is all you have got which means it is only you who has to make sure you are winning the game.

 

Another thing Helen learned me is to accept myself more. Apart from the journaling tasks she would give me after every session, she also teached me to practise some positive affirmations. In the beginning, I felt very silly saying them out loud, but I gave it a try anyway because I promised Helen.

 

She instructed me to start every day with a few positive affirmations. After I get up, I would go to the bathroom to wash my face and when I am done brushing my teeth I have to look in the mirror. And _really_ look at myself. I would check my face and look into my own eyes. I mentally tell myself that I am grateful to be alive and physically healthy. I tell myself that I am allowed to be happy today and I am good just the way I am. Every day I would also think about one thing I like about myself. She told me to mentally make a list of all the things I love about myself, be it my looks or my personality, but I haven’t gotten to the point to list more than one thing.

 

I remember the first time I tried to do them. I wasn’t able to do more than look at myself in the mirror. I didn’t even get to the point of mentally saying those affirmations. Like many times before I looked in the mirror and felt disgusted by what I saw. I gripped the edge of the sink with my hands and felt tears welling up into my eyes. I felt so pathetic for not being able to finish such a simple task. I just couldn’t do it. It felt so wrong. I couldn’t tell myself that I am beautiful, because that felt like a lie.

 

I felt a panic attack coming up and in a fury I threw a bottle of parfum against the mirror, which broke into a million pieces. Chunks flew around and some of them ended up in my fore arms. It hurt a little but at that moment I didn’t care. It wasn’t my purpose to deliberately hurt myself, though. I couldn’t forget my promise to Izzy when I said I would never do that again. I was so angry with myself and felt like a total failure. After that I flew out of the bathroom to avoid looking at myself again. The mess I would later clean, but right then I just needed to clear my mind. I didn’t call anyone as I couldn’t have handled the shame if anyone knew what had happened. I tried to avoid Magnus for the rest of the day and I was glad Magnus didn’t stay that night.. Luckily for me, Jace and Izzy were out as well, so there was no one to see the mess I made.

 

Later that day Magnus surprised me to come over for dinner and of course he noticed the band aids. I couldn’t lie to him so I told him what had happened. He wasn’t mad at me at all. At first I felt my own anger rising because he should have been mad at me for being so reckless. Of course he wasn’t. Magnus is always being too nice to me. He just hugged me tight and told me that nothing is going to change the way he feels about me and we will get through this. I didn’t tell him why I had thrown the bottle against the mirror, I left it at a panic attack and he didn’t impose so I was relieved.  

 

I could see he was a bit sad, though because I didn’t believe him. I felt guilty for not being able to see the same things he does. I don’t want to disappoint him but I fear that he will see my true nature in time and that he will be disappointed. Ugly.  I just felt so ugly on the inside and out. I don’t want him to pity me and be with me for the sake of me being more mentally stable when I have him around. However, he knows I feel like this so he tries every chance he has to tell me otherwise.  

 

Without Magnus I wouldn’t be where I am right now. I am so thankful for him, I can’t even put it into words. I know he doesn’t see me as a charity case, I know he loves me just the way I am, because I know this feeling very well myself. I love Magnus so much. He is incredibly smart, caring, selfless  and generous with his love for others. He is always ready to help me out and never asks something in return and let’s not forget the fact that he is extremely handsome. I still don’t understand why I deserved this amount of love, but I do apparently, according to Magnus anyway and for that I couldn’t be more happy.

 

If it wasn’t for Magnus I wouldn’t have been to go through with the positive affirmations at all. It was at the end of the first week I started doing them. This time, Magnus had stayed the night and it was still early in the morning. Magnus likes to stay in bed as long as possible before getting ready for college. I, however, am still an early riser, due to the nightmares I still infrequently get, so I just woke up after the sun had rised and sun lights cracked through the curtains. I carefully rearranged Magnus’ arms which were wrapped around my waist, before I slipped out of bed and sneaked to the bathroom.

 

As usual I began my little morning routine and washed my face properly. Thanks to Magnus the shelf above my sink was cramped up with all types of skin care products. Most of them were his, but he gifted me a few products as well for my birthday. After staying almost every night I told him it was okay to keep some of his things at my place, so he doesn’t have to carry his stuff with him all the time. Magnus of course made full use of that, but I don’t mind one bit, because it means that he wants to stay with me as much as I want him here. I feel so damn nice every time I remember I get the privilege to wake up with this man every morning.

 

After I shaved my face clean, I put every thing back to it’s place and stared at myself in the mirror. I sighed. I felt sadness coming up but I pushed it away. It told myself I was going to through with it today. The other times I had succeeded I said them silently in my mind, but this time I felt encouraged enough to silently whisper them to myself. I had said two full sentences, before I heard the bathroom door crack open and I saw Magnus stumble inside, still half asleep. His hair was flat on one side and he yawned.

 

I froze in place and felt blood rushing to my cheeks. I felt like I was catched doing something wrong. I already felt tears welling up into my eyes. Magnus yawned again as he came closer and finally noticed how tense I really was. He stopped in his tracks right before me and looked confused. I tried to avoid his eyes, but he brought his hand under my chin to lift my face.

 

“Hey what’s wrong darling?”

 

I shrugged his hand of my face and pretended to busy myself with the products on the shelf.

 

“What? Nothing is wrong, I am just getting ready. I just startled because normally you aren’t so early”, I tried to sound as cheerful as possible.

 

Magnus came closer again and pulled me against him to kiss my cheek this time.

 

“Alexander, you can tell me anything you know that. I won’t laugh at you.”

 

I closed my eyes for a second and leaned my forehead to his. I internally debated whether I should tell him about the homework Helen gave me, but I felt so embarrassed to admit it. I know Magnus wouldn’t laugh at me, but it’s so humiliating I need to assure myself in the morning that I am worthy enough.

 

_How pathetic are you Lightwood. How long are you going to pretend? You won’t get any better. If you tell him what you did he will think you are crazy. He will finally see how much of an idiot you are and you will lose him for good. You don’t want that, do you?_

 

No. Stop, I just have to stop. I can’t let the voice inside my head get to me again. I use all my will power to push it to the back of my mind before it gets to me. I realize I still haven’t answered Magnus so I open my eyes and see Magnus looking fondly at me but also very worried. He waits patiently before I dare to speak.

 

“I-uh have this thing Helen told me to do every morning and well I was doing it just as you came inside”, I nervously fidgeted with the hem of my T-shirt and looked down to my feet. Magnus cups my face with his hand to make me look back at him.

 

“It’s okay I won’t judge you, Alexander”, he tells me softly.

 

I take a deep breath and rush the next words out before I loose my courage to say anything at all, “I have to do these positive affirmations when I look in the mirror and uh tell myself I look okay and that I’m going to be okay”. My cheeks heat up again as the words leave my mouth and I feel like throwing up because of my nerves.

 

I wait for the moment for Magnus to burst out laughing but he doesn’t. He stays silent for a second, before he leans in and kisses me gently on my lips. I am shocked at the first touch, but as soon as he moves his mouth against mine, I melt into his touch and bring my hand to the nape of his neck to hold him close. After a moment he pulls back and I worry he is going to leave me here alone. But he doesn’t, he only takes a moment to catch his breath.

 

“Don’t be ashamed my love, I am proud of you that you did this for you.”

 

This was the last thing I expected to hear, “You don’t think it’s weird?”

 

Magnus chuckles, “No my dear, I think it’s a wonderful idea. I always tell you how much I love you, but you have to tell yourself too. All I want for you is to be comfortable with yourself.”

 

I scoffed at that. It’s fucking ironic, because doing it makes me so uncomfortable I want to vomit. Magnus sees my anger and kisses my cheek. He knows I didn’t mean to offend him, but he knows I don’t agree either.

 

“Why don’t I help you with them? I can tell you my version, if you want to?”

 

At the moment all I want to do is crawl back into bed and sleep the rest of the day, but I know I can’t run away every time I have to do something difficult, so I sigh and let Magnus take the lead from here.

 

Magnus moves closer to the mirror and drags me with him. He pulls his arms around my waist and together we stand before the mirror. His chest pressed into my back. It feels warm and nice to be enveloped into his arms. But I feel confused right now. Shouldn’t he stand there alone while he tells me how he does it.

 

But then it dawns onto me. He didn’t mean himself, he meant doing positive affirmations for me. As soon as I realize I want to walk away from the mirror and try to pull away from him, but he doesn’t let me move as his hands tighten around my waist.

 

“Please, let me show you darling”, he looks into my eyes through the mirror before he softly kisses my jaw and neck. I melt into his touch. I want to be mad that he manipulates me into this, because he knows I love it when he attacks my neck, but it feels too nice to stop, so I give up fighting and let him start.

 

“The first thing I noticed about you are your eyes, darling. They are the perfect shade of blue, Alexander. Every time I look I get so lost in them. “I love it when your whole face lits up and your smile reaches your eyes. It’s when you are so happy you don’t have time to think about how others will see you.”

 

I start to blush brightly by Magnus’ words of adoration. I want to duck my head low, but Magnus doesn’t give a chance because he kisses my cheek again. “When you walk into the room there is a spark in you, it lights everything and everyone around you”, I cannot help but smile a little when he tells me this, “See! That’s what I mean, you’re gorgeous darling. And that’s not even all there is.”

 

He takes a moment to really look at my face before he speaks again, “I love that I get to see you blush over the little things I tell you. It’s so adorable”, I pout at that, he knows I don’t like to be called adorable.

 

Magnus chuckled when he sees my little pout, “I said what I said and I stand by that Mr. Lightwood”, Magnus hands wander to my belly where he takes my hands into his. He moves his mouth to my ear, “I also love it when you are so caught up in pleasure your whole face relaxes, it’s a good look on you darling”, Magnus whispers seductively.

 

“Magnus!”, I scold him for being so explicit. He keeps smirking and goes on, “but that’s not all, darling. I love it when you snore in your sleep, when you stick your tongue out if you’re concentrating hard, when you look confused or when you are up to mischief.”, his eyes darken for a second before the look of affection is back.

 

He cards one of his hands through my hair and I lean into his touch. He looks into my eyes again through the mirror, “I want you to see what I see darling and I am not going to stop until you believe me.”

 

I am stunned for a moment. After all this time I still can’t comprehend why he puts in so much effort for a broken person like me.

 

“I want you to know you ARE worth it, Alexander. You are allowed to be you. You are amazing darling, just the way you are. You are so bright and I wish I was half as good a person as you are.”

 

I turn around in his arms, “You are Magnus! Don’t say that, It is you who is beautiful, you are wise and your are generous and you are brave and you are incredible, and-”, after this little ramble I take a deep breath, “don’t pretend I am better than you, because I am not, Magnus.”

 

Magnus smiles back at me and kisses me again, “You don’t see it do you? You are so quick to tell me how amazing I am but you never take a moment to truly appreciate yourself Alexander. It’s not selfish to love yourself, darling. It’s only healthy. What would you do if I didn’t like myself?”, Magnus says knowing fully well that I would react exactly the same as he just did, so I just stare at him.

 

I feel so confused right now. I want to believe him. I know he is right. I know I should give myself more credit. I am doing better than before I started therapy and I am proud of how far I have come, but I am just not there yet. I feel tired of this constant battle in my head. This battle between my head and my feelings. It’s so frustrating. I want to feel better, if not for myself, for Magnus. I do want to feel better for me, because I can’t live on like the mess I was. I have to be strong. I owe that to Izzy and Jace as well. They helped me so much the last few years. I want to prove to them I can be a big brother for them. It’s what they deserve after all this time.

 

It makes me sad I wasted so much of my time worrying about things when I could have used that time to be there for them as well. I could have achieved so much more than I have right now. That’s also one of the reasons I am trying to be better now. It is just worthless to doubt myself all the time, because time is precious. You never know when it ends, so you have to make the best of it. I feel guilty for the bad days, but I know that is only human. I feels like every time I hit rock bottom I have to start again. Magnus is there for me to remind me that I can just get up and move from there. A setback doesn’t have to control my life anymore.

 

It’s an ongoing process but after everything Magnus told me I decide to be proud today. So the least I could do is tell him.

 

I turn back to the mirror and bring Magnus’ hands back to my waist. I kiss his cheek before I looked at myself in the mirror.

 

“Today, I am proud to be me”, I smile at Magnus, “and I am grateful that I get to love you”. Magnus spins me around and embraces me in a big hug, before he tells me, “I love you too darling, I love you too.”


	2. Give him all my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lives of Alec and Magnus have been very busy, but they try to make time for each other whenever possible. Still life is throwing rocks at Alec. 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: panic attack described

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello long time no see! It has been a while, but I finally managed to come up with some ideas to continue Alec's journey. This may feel like a catch up chapter because it's been waaay to long, but I hope you enjoy! I plan to make more time for writing, so bear with me! 
> 
> I hope you have a wonderful day! :)
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Confettisprinkles

**ALEC**

After a short night due to getting caught up with projects at school, I woke up next to Magnus in bed. Since we both needed to wake up early Magnus we decided to enjoy a nice breakfast together. It has been awhile since we took the time in the morning to see each other and just enjoy each other presence. With college and all we just didn’t have any time to do it. Maybe I can even encourage Magnus to get up earlier so we can do this more often. Although, I guess this would be a miracle, but a man can dream.

 

I kiss Magnus good bye before he leaves early to get some work done at NYU with Caterina. He and Caterina work together on their final project before graduation. It takes up a lot of time, but I can see it makes Magnus very happy. He feels guilty when he has to leave early in the evening or can’t come back to stay the night, because of the deadlines he faces. Every time I remind him that this is his dream and I want him to follow his dreams of becoming a fashion designer even if that means we have to sacrifice some time togethers. Besides, this project is only temporary, so we just have to wait a little longer to spend more time together. After all this time we have been together - it’s five months and 29 days now, not that I’m counting - I still haven’t met Caterina and I think it’s about time to change that. Magnus knows I love to meet his friends as he hangs around with mine as well.

 

Magnus came along to every game night since the first Mexican themed night he joyed. After every single one he tells me he has missed this kind of fun for a long time. Yes, he has Caterina and Raphael, but apart from them he doesn’t have that many close friends. Ragnor hasn’t been in town either and I can see Magnus misses his ‘brother’. He doesn’t talk much about it, but I can feel it’s not easy on Magnus. So, I am grateful that my friends took Magnus in with both arms. He already knew Clary of course and Isabelle and Jace get a long pretty well with Magnus.

 

Magnus loves to tease Jace with his obvious crush on Clary. Clary still seems unsure, but Magnus told me that she and Magnus kind of talked about it and she clearly feels the same way. She just hasn’t admitted it yet. Unexpectedly, Magnus and Simon became fast friends as well. It’s mostly Simon talking about nerdy stuff but Magnus as a person is naturally interested in a lot of different things, so I see them caught up in deep conversations quite often.

 

Simon still pines after Izzy and Magnus tends to make full advantage of that. Magnus and I exchange sneaky looks at each other every time Simon tries to make another move and Isabelle doesn’t acknowledge it. We try to keep it down, but more often than not Maia caught us baiting Simon into another move. Maia doesn’t care though because she loves to watch the drama unfolding between Simon and Izzy.

 

Speaking of Maia, she and Magnus got off pretty well after the first time they met. They even met up to hang out with just the two of them. I am so happy for him that Magnus got a new friend and I definitely don’t feel guilty when they go shopping or sharing future plans for business with just the two of them. Magnus deserves a friend and I am not going to be _that_ jealous boyfriend who doesn’t allow anyone else to come near him, because I have seen that happen in the past with other couples and it’s just not worth it. When you’re in a relationship you should still be your own person and have some time with others as well. As much I would love to have Magnus 24/7 with me, I know we both need to do our own thing as well.

 

After a few lingering kisses in the door frame I finally manage to send Magnus off – or Catherina is going to be mad – and I start to clean the kitchen from our breakfast mess. There have only passed a couple of minutes since Magnus left before the door rings. Magnus must have forgotten his keys again. I gave him the keys of my apartment a couple weeks ago, because it’s easier for him to come in late at night when he is done working and decides to spend the night. Admittedly I want him to feel as welcome as possible here and I couldn’t think of a better way.

 

I open the door, “Again Magn-“, my voice died down when I don’t see Magnus in front of me but mom.

 

I am stunned for a moment before I recover and find my voice again.

 

“Mom? What are you doing here?”

 

She smiles warmly at me, but I see her frown and I can feel sadness radiating of her.

 

“Hi Alexander, can I come in?”

 

I don’t have much time to answer before she walks past me into the living room.

 

“You know It’s Alec, but sure come in”, I tell her as I sigh. Not that it mattered as she is already inside.

 

Maryse looks around the place but doesn’t take a seat on the sofa or removes her coat. She seems in a hurry. I walk to the sofa and sit down. Not being in the mood for all the pleasantries I get straight to the point

 

“So, what brings you here?”

 

“Was that a friend of yours?”

 

I frown, she doesn’t respond to my question at all, “which friend, what are you talking about?”

 

She scoffs, “Who do you think I mean, you know the man with ridiculous hair and big layer of face paint on his face.”

 

I feel my anger already boiling up at her reaction, “Listen if you come here to talk that’s fine but you don’t have the permission to disapprove of any of my friends, that’s none of your business.”

 

Mom has known for a long time that I am gay, but she still tries to deny it in every way possible. It’s the same with my mental health problems, she just pretends it will pass. that’s it’s a fase I will grow out of.

 

“And for your information, _Magnus_ isn’t just a friend, he is my boyfriend, so I won’t tolerate you insulting him.”

 

Mom looks stunned for a moment before her frown returns, “I should have never let you move here, look at what is becoming of you! As for your question I wanted to see my son, whom I haven’t seen in nine months! Nine months Alexander! I worry about you.”

 

I want to scream at her, but I decide this is not getting anywhere if I do, so I try very hard to stay calm, well as much as possible.

 

“Oh great so _now_ you care? You never cared, mom. If you really did you could have called or visited sooner, but I am not that important am I?”

 

Maryse stays quiet the whole time and doesn’t get a chance to respond before I continue.

 

“Last time you called me I had to hear from Izzy that you cancelled our plans. Again. But that doesn’t surprise me at all. Guess work is just more important for you than your children.”

 

I try to take a deep breath after that. I can’t even believe I said that all to her. I never had told her any of that. I guess I really needed to let those bottled up feelings out.

 

“Alexander what are you talking about? Of course I care! I love you and Isabelle and Jonathan very much, how can you even say something like that?”, she seems genuinely shocked, but I don’t have the energy to play nice.

 

“We are your real family, Alexander”, she tries to say nicely but then she makes it only worse, “Your friend isn’t, after a while he will move onto someone else, just like _they_ always do, you can’t trust him Alexander.”

 

That was the last straw, “LEAVE MAGNUS OUT OF THIS, this has nothing to do with him. Real family, are you kidding? What family?! You and dad have never been there for us! You never cared about how we were doing as long as we had good grades. That’s all that mattered right? Being your golden boy? I was never good enough. I always tried so hard to get noticed by you, to make you proud, but that did never happen. And when shit went down you didn’t even notice. You told me to suck it up and be a big boy. It’s Jace and Izzy who supported me after-”. I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud, _after I almost killed myself_

I have never felt this kind of anger in my life but before I do something I will regret later I tell her, “Please, just leave.”

 

“But, Alex-“

 

“LEAVE. I won’t ask again.”

 

She seems defeated and stays still for a few moments before she turns on her heels and slams the door close.

 

When I hear her walk down the stairs, I finally release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I get up from the sofa and drink some water to calm down, but I can’t stop shaking.

 

She really got to me this time. It’s like all those times she and dad told me to suck it up, that it was just a minor panic attack and I should stop crying and behave like a real man. I felt so humiliated, even after Jace and Izzy stood up for me, I never got the support from mom and dad.

 

I can’t help but think they were right about that. I feel weak. Pathetic that I can’t handle life like a normal person. As soon as the thought evades me, I feel tears welling up into my eyes. I feel a panic attack coming up, but I try to push against it. I have not had one in a couple of weeks but I recognize it immediately. I don’t want to be crying over this. She is not worth it. I have Magnus and Izzy and Jace and Maia and everyone else who accept me for who I am. I try to stop the tears from falling down but I can’t.

 

_That’s right, of course you can’t. It’s because you are weak as fuck. Whining like a little boy, ahw don’t you get enough attention of mommy? Well that’s too bad. You are a joke of a son. Disgusting piece of shit, that’s what you are. If only you could have control over yourself, they would love you. But you know that’s never going to happen._

 

My head starts to ache by all the invasive thoughts and my vision is blurred by my tears. I can’t think clearly like this. I try to take a step to the couch.

 

_You heard her, look at what you have become. Look at how much pain you cause her. She’s right, look at what you have become, what a failure you are. Look at how much pain you cause her. You don’t achieve anything at all. Busy studying something that will get you nowhere. Oh that’s right you can’t even manage to study because it’s too hard. Well too bad, it’s never going to get any easier, so suck it up._

It’s getting hard to breathe normal and I can’t see clearly where I am anymore. I slid to the ground to somewhat steady myself. I wrap my arms around my knees as I make myself small. If only I could get sucked up by the universe right now.

 

I try to steady my breathing by taking big deep breaths like Helen told me. That’s good, just focus on breathing. In and out. And again. And again.

 

My back starts to hurt from the position I’m in, but I feel like I can breathe a little bit better.

 

_You think you will be okay now. That you can go back to your little fantasy world with Magnus, where you pretend that you will be fine. But guess what, it’s not real, it never has been, and it never will be. Once Magnus realizes what a hindrance you are, he will leave you. As he should, there is no saving you. Look at you now. After a few weeks of pretending you will be okay you just fell back to the bottom. Again. Just like you always will. There is no way, you will never learn to swim. Give up and drown already._

The tears come back as I let them silently roll of my cheeks. I don’t even have the energy right now to fight it. All I want is sleep. To let it be over. I roll over onto my side as I black out, too paralyzed to move.

 

* * *

 

**MAGNUS**

I have been working all day on my project with Catarina and I feel proud we have made so much progress today. I feel tired and I want to get straight to Alexander’s place. Especially, since I haven’t heard anything from him all day. Normally, we send a few texts during the day, but I haven’t received anything, and he hasn’t responded to my text from this afternoon either. I asked if I should shop for diner to make something nice for the two of us, as we have been both busy. I thought it would be nice to spend a whole evening together, without me having to work.

 

He probably has been busy all day and hasn’t had time to check his messages. It happens to me too, sometimes you have these hits of inspiration and you got to work through them before you do anything else.

 

I fidget with the keys in front of the door. When Alexander gave me his spare key a few weeks ago I couldn’t be more happier. I felt so honored to have that privilege. When I think about it, the warm fuzzy feelings return, I am so happy he trusts me with this. I finally manage to open the door with one hand as I have my other hand stuffed full of groceries. I really craved some lasagna and having an amazing chef as boyfriend how could I not use this opportunity to make some homemade lasagna together.

 

As soon as I step inside however I notice something’s wrong. When I peek around the corner I see Alexander with his back to me laying on the ground. I drop my grocery bag and move forward to see his long lean body folded together in a seemingly uncomfortable position.

 

“Alexander! Darling”, I check if he is hurt anywhere but it seems like he is just asleep, seeing his adorable face smoothen out in absolute peace.

 

Sleeping on the ground can’t be comfortable at all, so I try to wake him.

 

“Alexander, sweetie please wake up.”

 

He scrunches up his face, before he slowly wakes up. It’s only then that I noticed his wet cheek and red rimmed eyes. He gets up slowly in a sitting position and looks confused around him.

 

I kneel in front of him and put one hand on his cheek, “Hey sleepy head, how are you feeling?”, I try to let him explain what on earth has happened, but I know I have to address this carefully, before he brushes it off as something minor and closes himself off.

 

Alec wipes some tear streaks from his cheek before he seems to fully wake. It’s in that moment that he realizes what is going on. That I am here, and I have seen his face.

 

His shoulder tense up and he tries to turn away from me.

 

I try to prevent it by putting a hand on his shoulder, “Hey, it’s okay darling.”

 

Alexander, however is having none of it as he rapidly stands up, panic clear on his face “Please don’t.”

 

I stand up as well and try to ignore the feeling of rejection, because I know this has nothing to do with me.

 

“Alex-“

 

“I SAID DON’T”

 

I am stunned for a moment. Alexander never screams and certainly never at me. I have never seen him this angry.

 

Although, the second he said those words he seems to regret them.

 

“O my god, I am sorry Magnus, please, I didn’t mean it, I am sorry”, he looks panicked again and I see fresh tears welling up in his eyes.

 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay I know you didn’t mean it.”, I take one step forward to let him know I am not angry.

 

Alec just keeps repeating his apologies during his little sniffing, “Please,I am so sorry Magnus, she’s is right, I am awful. I’m sorry.”

 

She? What is he even talking about? I am so confused right now.

 

“Alexander, what are you talking about? Who is she?”

 

Alexander just starts sobbing louder and speaks quickly and I only catch some words, “M-my mom, sh- here- and- Insulted you Mags, I couldn’t let her, but she’s r-right, I can’t be here. I’m so sorry.”

 

At this point Alexander starts to hyperventilate, he seems so caught up in his mind he doesn’t even notice me wrapping my arms around his chest.

 

“Hey darling, shh, it’s alright, I won’t go anywhere, you will be fine, just breathe with me okay? Please just breathe with me.”

 

Alexander slowly nods his head when he noticed my closeness and starts to wraps his arms around my back. I feel him expanding his chest and exasperatedly breathing out. He still wheezes as the air painfully gets through his nose and out through his mouth.

 

“That’s it keep going darling, like that. In and out”, I make the same movements for him to follow my lead.

 

It takes a while before his breathing returns to a somewhat normal rhythm. He sighs loudly against my shoulder but makes no movement to let go. Alexander is longer than me so hunching over me shouldn’t be comfortable for this long. I try to pull slowly away but Alexander only starts to tense up again and tighten his grip around me.

 

I chuckle softly, “darling please I won’t go anywhere I promise, please let us go to the sofa to get comfortable.”

 

It takes a few second for Alec to respond by pulling away slowly. For the first time he looks at me with a pained expression on his face.

 

“Promise?”, he whispers, doubt clear in his eyes.

 

“Always”, I tell him as I take his hand into mine and lead the both of us to the sofa. I get down and open my arms for him to snuggle up together. He gladly seems to accept this as he lays half beside me and wraps his arms around my chest and nuzzles into the crook of my neck. I hear him sigh contently and breathing softly.

 

As he seems in no condition to properly speak about what happened I just pull him closer and card one of my hands through his hair until he fully relaxes on my chest.

 

His face finally smooth and painless. Oh my angel. My heart breaks a little every time Alexander feels this bad. It’s the worse feeling ever. The only thing I can do is give him all my love, because I know in the end everything will be fine. It doesn’t matter how long it will take him to become better. Life is like a roller coaster, there are always going to be ups and downs. It doesn’t make him any less worthy when he feels like this. It only shows that he is strong and can get through anything. I would give him the world every time he asked me. And even if he doesn’t think he could ask, I will gladly show him. It’s his choice to see it too.


	3. Just promise me to stop pushing me away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus talk about what happened. Alec finally admits something he has kept secret from Magnus for a while now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am back in the flow with writing and I couldn't wait any longer to post again, so here it is sooner than expected :)  
> Love, 
> 
> Confettisprinkles

**ALEC**

There has only passed half an hour, but I feel completely calm again in Magnus’ arms. After I broke down I couldn’t get out a proper word. I felt like as soon as I start talking I would trigger another panic attack and I know I am too tired for that. Since I calmed down I can think more clearly again. We still lay in a comfortable silence, but I want to let Magnus know what happened. He deserves the truth.

 

Magnus hums lightly when he still cards his fingers through my hair. It feels nice. To be cared for like this. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, but I do have to get this off my chest, so I break our little secure bubble.

 

“Magnus?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I told her about us.”

 

There’s really no beating about the bush. Silence remains as I wait for Magnus’ response. It takes a couple moments, but then he hums again and answers.

 

“I take it she wasn’t very fond of me?”

 

“No. But I told her to suck it up, because you and I, what we have, isn’t going anywhere.”

 

“But the reason-“, I struggle to find the right words to describe what happened, “I mean why you find me like… _that_ when you came home was because she told me she cared for me and Izzy and Jace. And I know that’s complete bullshit so uh I guess something in me just snapped.”

 

Even thinking back to it to what happened only a couple hours ago makes me my blood boil again. I can’t even begin to understand why she had the nerve to knock on my door like that. I pause for a moment to catch my breath to calm down a bit.

 

Magnus soothingly puts his hand on mine and the simple gesture grounds me instantly.

 

“I just don’t understand. She’s has never been there for us, same for dad. So she has no right to tell me what to do with my life after everything we’ve been through. I can’t believe I told her how I truly feel about this whole thing.”

 

Magnus tightens his grip on my hands to let me know he is there to support me. He kisses my cheek before he open his mouth, “I am proud of you darling, you finally stood up for yourself and for Izzy and Jace as well. You have become so much stronger darling, I am so happy for you. You don’t let anyone control you anymore. I am so grateful you got the courage to go to therapy my love, because you finally start to see that you are worthy and don’t have to take anyone’s bullshit.”

 

As soon as Magnus mentions the word therapy I zone out. Right. Therapy. Well shit. I didn’t tell Magnus, or anyone for that matter, but I haven’t been to therapy for the last month. The sessions have been great, but I felt like I was doing so much better and there was no need for me to go to another talk.

 

The first two weeks after I stopped seeing Helen, I was doing amazing. Magnus and I were both busy, but when we were together I was immensely happy and haven’t had a single nightmare. Admittedly, going through with journaling and doing affirmations have been pretty hard, but I managed most of the time.

 

After about two weeks I got an email for Helen asking how I was doing and when I wanted to schedule our next session. I was still feeling great at the time, so again I didn’t think I needed one. So I kind of ignored the message. Pretend I didn’t see it. Pretend everything was fine.

 

Until this week it wasn’t.

 

I have been sleeping badly and couldn’t bring myself to journal or do any of those affirmations in the morning. I didn’t think I needed them, but now looking back I realize I have been slowly spiraling down back into old habits of thinking negative thoughts throughout the day. I guess today I finally realized I couldn’t handle it anymore.

 

Magnus must notice my tense body, because he stopped talking.

 

“Darling are you alright? Did I say something wrong?”

 

_Great now you got him worried, good job._

 

“No no it’s nothing you said. I love you Mags. You keep reassuring me and you are being way too nice, but I understand you.”

 

“Then what is it darling?”

 

I can’t get the words out of my mouth. It feels like I have been lying to Magnus for a long time. I don’t want to disappoint him. My throat feels like closing up.

 

_Well too late you idiot, look at what you have done, you even made Magnus doubt himself, because of your own foolish mistakes. Well done, Lightwood._

“I can practically hear your thoughts running around Alexander”, Magnus tries to sit up so I can turn around in his lap and look in his eye, but I still look down on our hands clasped together.

 

“Darling? You know you can tell me anything right?”

 

I sigh, “Mags, I have done something stupid.”, I whisper softly, too ashamed to admit it out loud, like saying it will make it irreparable.

_The damage is already done, you dumbass, no time to deny anything now._

“Alexander, I won’t get mad at you, I promise.”

 

“But that’s the thing, you have every right to be mad at me right now. I lied to you Magnus and I should have told you in the first place so we could talk it through. But now I fucked up and there’s no way to undo it. If I trusted you, you wouldn’t have to find me half unconscious on the ground, to put me back together. Again.“

 

My breathing starts to speed up and I try to catch my breath, but I don’t give Magnus the chance to respond.

 

“Why do you even keep bothering Magnus? You shouldn’t have to deal with my homophobic parents, or my goddamn issues. Don’t you see it? I always have to ruin everything in my life and then I ruin things for you too. I love you and I want nothing more than to see you happy. Instead I am the cause of your unhappiness.”

 

After I managed to get all of that out I stay silent.

 

And then it dawned on me.

 

Oh shit. OH. SHIT. What have I done. This is the second time I got very mad and it may seem like it’s pointed at Magnus. And I wasn’t even angry at Magnus, just at this situation and at myself for causing this. Now I made Magnus feel like I don’t like his help or that he can’t do anything right for me.

 

I suddenly don’t know what to think anymore. It all hurts so badly. I can’t seem to do anything right. My head hurts so much after all this thinking. All I want is to stop thinking and sleep. Just to suffer in silence and alone, without bothering anyone.

 

I can’t stop myself from shaking and my eyes start to water before I burst out into tears.

 

“I-I am sorry Mags, I just want to see you happy. I am sorry for ruining everything.”

Magnus however doesn’t seem unphased by this at all. And as soon as I start crying he hugs me tightly and brings my head into the crook of his neck, while at the same time making soothing movements on my back with his hands.

 

“Shh darling it’s okay, just let it out, I am not going anywhere, no matter how hard you keep pushing me away, darling.”

 

“I don’t care how many times you fuck up, like you say, it’s normal to have ups and downs, baby. I am here to get you through the rough times and to celebrate the good times together. I want you, all of you. The good and the bad. How would you feel if I only let you see my good side? We’re all flawed but that doesn’t make you less human.”

 

As soon as I started sobbing, I can’t seem to put a hold onto it. It’s like I can’t even find the words anymore to respond to anything Magnus says. I just grip his shoulders tightly and give a slight nod.

 

I know he loves me. I know he will stand by me no matter what. It’s just this feeling of me being unworthy of this much love. Like I don’t deserve it and he deserves more of it. I can’t help but feel like I can’t give him that. I can’t even give myself that, so how I am supposed to take care of him?

 

“I just don’t want to drag you down with me Mags, but I still want you to know I love you so much.”, I try to tell him between my pathetic sobbing.

 

Magnus chuckles, “I know darling, I know you do, as do I with all of me. I don’t want you to think for a second that you’re a burden to me. I’m here to lift you up darling, no matter how long it’s taking.”

 

I don’t know where the courage comes from but I dared to look him up in the eye and see nothing but affection. I do hope he stills looks the same way at me when I finally tell him what I lied about, but I know I am fooling myself, so I take a deep breath and I rush out the next words:

 

“Ihaven’tbeengoingtotherapy.”

 

Magnus brushes a strand of hair out of my eyes, “Could you repeat that for me darling?”

 

Magnus lifts my chin up and smiles softly at me to encourage me and repeat it.

 

“I said I haven’t been going to therapy.”

 

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I brace myself for an angry Magnus, but of course silence remains.

 

Soon Magnus opens his mouth, “Okay I promised to not get mad, so please exhale darling.”

 

I didn’t realize I hold my breath for so long, but I feel a bit more relieved now. He hasn’t answered fully though.

 

“Alexander darling, I love you, but can you answer me honestly?”

 

I give a curt nod, too afraid to look him up in the eye.

 

“How long has it been?”

 

“Uhm, well uh four weeks.”

 

“And how long did you plan to keep this from me?”

 

“I- I don’t know Mags, please I was feeling better, you saw it too, we have been both busy but I haven’t felt so great in a long time as this month.”

 

Magnus tries to take a moment and think this over.

 

“Yes I guess you’re right I haven’t seen you this happy since we have been together, but I can tell something’s off now and the last couple of days I talked to you on the phone, you didn’t sound as great as before darling.”

 

I take a look at Magnus’ face and see worry in his eyes.

 

“I swear I didn’t want to worry you Mags, I am sorry.”

 

Magnus sighs, and hugs me close.

 

“Of course I worry, it’s my job, I love you and I want to see you happy, darling.”

 

I keep holding on to him, “I know, I love you too.”

 

Magnus runs his arms soothingly over my back. “Just promise me to stop pushing me away, okay? I want to know when things turn bad again, I want to be there for you darling.”

 

I can’t express how much it means to me. To have Magnus by my side no matter what, with all the things going on with my mom, I still know I can rely on Magnus or Jace and Izzy. It’s hard to comprehend what’s to love about me, but I’m still grateful for it every single day that I get the chance to be with this man.

 

“So, do you want to call Helen again?”, Magnus tries approaching the subject very softly.

 

“Yeah”, I whisper softly, “I think I would like that.”

 

Magnus smiles encouragingly at me, “Alright, then that’s what we are going to do.”

Magnus promises me he would go with me to my next session. It took me a lot of courage but I managed to call Helen and make an appointment for next week. For now, I decide it’s best to relax and focus on my time together with Magnus. I still don’t know how to tell Izzy and Jace all about what happened with mom, but Magnus said that we will figure it out together and he assured me he will be by my side the whole time. And for now, that’s all I can ask for.


	4. Just let me take care of you for once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Magnus and Alec feel miserable but for different reasons. They realize they just need each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :) Just a small update, hope you like it. I have been struggling a lot with writing and I'm sorry for not providing better content. Wow what a good way to promote my stuff hahaha. Anyway, I hope it will get better in the future and if you have some advice or comments, feel free to share :)
> 
> Love,
> 
> Confettisprinkles

**MAGNUS**

Sunlight is already beaming through the curtains as I turn around in my bed. It’s a good thing it’s Saturday because it’s already way past 12 PM. I haven’t slept at all last night. Just like yesterday. The fricking flu has to ruin everything. After yesterday’s long work day, it feels like it has been the last straw on my body.

 

I swing one leg out of bed to get some water but as soon as I stand on my feet, I get dizzy and almost blackout by the nauseous feeling. I need some new aspirin to cure my pounding head ache. As slowly as possible I manage to stand for more than a few seconds and waddle my way to the bathroom. It takes about five minutes to enter the door, but I finally manage. Looking through the cabin I find I have only one aspirin left. Oh fuck me. This will have to do for now.

 

I feel like I’m going to throw up if I stand up any longer so I crouch before the toilet and try to calm myself down a bit. Deep breaths Bane, deep breaths. It takes a few minutes but I think it was false alarm. I still don’t have the strength to get up though.

 

I’m just so tired, I don’t even care if I fall asleep on the bathroom floor. It’s actually kind of nice. I feel so hot, the cold tiles against my face feel very inviting as I lay on my side and hug my knees against my chest. Yeah I think I will stay here for a while.

 

**ALEXANDER**

It’s been two days since I last saw Magnus. Yesterday he texted me he couldn’t make it to my place because he had some deadline coming up and he was behind schedule, so he and Caterina had to make up for it. We were supposed to have date night and go out for dinner. I was looking forward to it. Especially since this week’s break down about my mom. We both deserved a little break from everything that was going on. So when he texted me he couldn’t make it, I was a little disappointed at first but I understand he had too. Besides, he is almost finished with the project so I know more time for us to be together will come.

 

Instead of being together the weekend I am at my own place for once. I spend most of my time at Magnus’ because his place was bigger and we get more privacy then here with Izzy and Jace being around. Just you know, in case.

 

I decided to make use of the extra time and go for an early morning run. It is nice to breath in the fresh cold air and being able to watch the sunrise. To see New York City slowly waking up. There weren’t even a lot of commuters on the streets, because it was five o’clock. I couldn’t sleep last night without Magnus next to me so I decided to get out and make the best of it.

 

When returning back to the apartment after a good one hour run I was ready for a nice warm shower. Magnus still has a lot of his toiletries at my place so I can use his sandalwood shampoo. _“Only the best for my precious angel.”_ Izzy and Jace are still asleep, their shifts at Maia’s start in a few hours. Finally sitting down and enjoying my breakfast I think about what I should do for the day. Normally, I would ask if Magnus wants to go to Maia’s for a coffee to start the day or I would wander on my own in the bookstore. I am glad I got to finish my paper yesterday, though, as I was planning on a weekend with Magnus I wouldn’t have time to finish it on time.

 

Alright, so Izzy and Jace have no time, maybe I can ask Maia to catch up. Sending a quick text I get a reply in just a few seconds:

 

_Sorry off to Idris Coffee Company, gotta make some money, talk to you soon Lightwood!_

That’s already three gone. I contemplate for a second to ask Simon to hang out, but I am actually not mentally ready for that. Simon is a great kid, but I just don’t feel like listening to Simon rambling all day long. I know for a fact Clary is busy as well with her final arts projects so I decide it’s best not to ask her.

 

That means I am on my own today.

 

And then it hit me hard.

 

No one is there. I have no one to talk to.

 

I spend most days with Magnus, he is my rock, but when he isn’t around what do I have left? As much as I am grateful for my amazing friends who accept me for who I am, I can’t help but think they actually don’t care that much about me.

 

I feel disposable, because if I’m not around they have plenty other people to turn to. For me the opposite is true. I am naturally introvert so I’m bad at opening up to new people, that’s why I only have a handful of friends. And at times like these it makes me feel very lonely. I feel desperate for needing others to cheer me up. Like I can’t give that myself.

 

_They don’t give a fuck about you. They would rather be alone then with you. What do you have to offer? You don’t even talk much, so what’s the point in meeting. You are not interesting at all. You are not enough and you will never be. Why do you think anybody would listen to your unimportant life. You have no life. Disgusting, that’s what it is._

_Why do you even think you deserve their company? You are ugly inside and out. They don’t want to be seen with you. Pathetic. Ugly, fat piece of shit. Why do you even bother training with Jace? You stay in all the time, what’s the point in trying to look good? What’s the point in getting stronger? What is the point?_

I feel terrible for being dependent on others, I want to be able to be on my own and enjoy it, but I feel like I’m not allowed to.

 

_Just give up already. You won’t be happy. Others aren’t going to stick around. You will end up alone and it will be your own fault. You deserve to suffer in silence. People won’t care for your stupid insecurities, they have bigger problems to deal with. I hope you drown in your own tears. Then you will finally stop to be a burden._

I can’t hold it back anymore, I break down into tears as I let the panic attack wash over me. Breathing is getting hard and my head hurts like hell, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to feel better. I want to drown. What’s the point?

**MAGNUS**

I jolt awake and try to take my surrounding in. White. Tiles. Cold. Right. Bathroom. I guess I have been falling asleep here. I actually do feel a bit more rested but my head is still throbbing like crazy and my nausea has only diminished a bit. Great. I remember I don’t have any pain killers anymore and I am in no position to go the pharmacy. I should text Alexander, but my phone lays in the bed room.

 

Slowly I make my way crouching to the bed. When I finally reach the bed, I am sweating tremendously and feel so terribly hot. I fumble for a moment with my phone and then I manage to call Alec.

 

It goes straight to voice mail.

 

Groaning I throw my phone on the bed.

 

A sudden wave of nausea goes through me. Luckily, I had placed a bucket next to my bed before I tried to sleep last night. I dry heave as there is nothing to empty my stomach of. I haven’t eaten all day and yesterday due to stress I only managed to eat a sandwich.

 

I feel so disgusting.

I feel pathetic but I need Alexander.

I slowly crouch onto the bed as I try to call Alexander again.

 

Still nothing.

 

I don’t hesitate any longer and try to call the next number in my phone.

 

In less than a second someone picks up.

 

“Hello? Magnus?”

 

“Please I need your help”, I manage to speak out loud in between heavy breathing.

 

“Alright stay where you are, I am coming right up.”

 

**ALEXANDER**

it has been a couple hours since I broke down and my mind seemed to have snapped. I feel so numb. I can only sit on the floor and look in front of me. No movement. No sounds. No feeling. No nothing. Only staring into the blank space.

 

I don’t know how but I finally seem to snap out of it and stand up again to check my phone out of habit.

I have to missed phone calls from Magnus.

Oh shit.

I was busy feeling so terrible that I forgot to check up on Magnus.

O my god.

I am the worst.

 

I call him immediately and on the second ring someone answers the phone.

 

“Hey Alec, this is Caterina.”

 

“Caterina? Hey where is Magnus?”

 

“Uhm Magnus is laying next to me in bed, asleep. He is terribly ill.”

 

My heart drops into my stomach.

 

“Sick what do you mean? What’s wrong?”

 

He got the flu but not to worry I got here as soon as he called me and I manage to get him to feed something and then let him sleep.”

 

Oh shit. That’s why he was trying to call me.

 

“Alright I will be there in 30.”

 

“No Alec it’s okay, you-.”

 

“No I need to be there, I will see you soon, Caterina.”

 

**MAGNUS**

Caterina managed to get here in ten minutes after I called her. The precious angel she is got me some painkillers and refreshed my bed as it was soaked in sweat from my horrendous fever. After taking care of those things Caterina helped me to get in bed and I finally felt more at ease. The smell of cold, clean sheets is the most amazing feeling in the world.

 

Caterina got started on some soup in the kitchen and told me to get some sleep in the meantime. I have been drifting on and off but it isn’t her footsteps I hear returning to the bed room.

 

I manage to open my eyes for a second and see it’s Alexander who stepped inside.

 

He looks almost worse than me. Dark messy hair. Blood shot eyes and red spots scattered on his cheeks. It seems he left in a hurry because he is wearing a pair of gray sweat and a black T-shirt that fits his upper arms perfectly. Alexander’s clothes are still mostly black but I know he wears this when he wants to feel comfy and doesn’t intend to leave the house, but here he is. Looking at me like a lost puppy. Wide eyed, worry clear on his face.

 

“Oh I am so sorry Mags, I should have checked up on you sooner.”, he tells me as he makes his way to my bed.

 

“You called me two fricking times and I am so stupid I didn’t see it sooner.”, he looks me in the eyes, regret in his.

 

I pad the space next to me, to make clear he can join me.

 

“Darling it’s alright you were busy, I understand you don’t check your phone every second.”

 

Alexander wastes no second and makes his way on the bed and settles down next to me. Head resting on the head board and his face turned to me.

 

“No Mags, that’s the worst part, I- I wasn’t busy at all. Well I was but for different reasons than you think.”, as he tells me that, he looks ten times more sad then when he rushed into my room.

 

“Darling, you can tell me you know I won’t judge.”, I want to assure Alexander, but I fear I can’t express properly how I want him to feel. I feel too tired for that and I feel my eyes closing, just focusing on Alec’s voice.

 

Alexander doesn’t seem to notice me getting more tired as he struggles to find the right words.

 

“It’s stupid but I had another panic attack and I thought all these horrib- Oh Mags I am so sorry, you don’t have to worry about me now. O shit. I am so dumb. Forget anything I said. I am fine now. This is not about me.  

 

I can’t make myself re-open my eyes again but I hope Alexander notices the small smile on my face. Alexander’s voice died down and I feel his lips softly on my temple.

 

“Don’t worry about anything, Mags, I will be here with you now. Just get some rest.”

 

There is some shifting on the bed and the next moment I feel Alexander’s arm around me and I can rest my face in the crook of his neck.

 

There is nothing that brings me more calmness than his presence right now. His steady heart beating. His fingers treading through my hair. And his gentle whisperings that everything’s going to be just fine. And I believe it will be, I just needed him to feel more grounded.

 

“Just let me take care of you for once”, I hear Alexander whispers before I let myself surrender to the darkness.


	5. In the arms of the love of my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec tries his best to take care of Magnus and does a good portion of thinking. Izzy is there to support him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again :) Woah what a week, two chapters in only 3 days! :) Consider it a bonus :) After last chapter, which didn't feel very great, I pushed myself to work harder on this one. It took me a while, but I am happy with the result. Reminder for me and everyone who may need it: don't give up, practice makes 'perfect' or pushing through will at least make you feel better. Hope you like it!  
> Feel free to leave a comment :) I really appreciate your support, whether it's kudos or comments so thank you for reading!
> 
> Love,
> 
> Confettisprinkles

**ALEC**

 

Magnus is still sleeping soundlessy in my arms and I don’t have the heart to move away for fear of waking him. So I just keep still and brush my fingers through his hair, hoping it wil somehow ease his pain. I cannot help but feel the guilt eating at me.

 

_Why are you so fricking selfish? You only care for yourself. And look what it got you? You have neglected Magnus, not only these past two days, even before then you only focused on you. You dumbass. Every time you get so caught up in your own head you don’t even consider Magnus’ wellbeing. What if he had problems of his own he needed to share? What if he couldn’t handle it too? What if he kept it quiet all this time? And you just gave him no opportunity to express himself. You worthless piece of shit._

 

No.

 

No. for fuck’s sake. I know I am doing it again. It’s not me. It’s only my ego. I need to let go of of the voice. To stop wasting energy on these ongoing agonizing thoughts because it will not help me right now. And Magnus neither. It will only will me make feel worse and then I am no help to Magnus at all. The only way I am able to push the voices to the back of my mind is because I know Magnus needs me right now.

 

Instead I try to focus on the situation at hand. I need to put all my attention on breathing properly and staying calm for Magnus’ sake, who is still laying on my chest, snoring softly. It looks like he needed this sleep very much. He must have been very exhausted from all the struggling around.

 

Soon after I came into Magnus’ loft I met Caterina. She is so lovely. The way she took care of Magnus is admiring. She told me she came here as soon as Magnus called and described how awful he looked. He was so weak he couldn’t even get up from where he lay on the ground where she found him. The fact that she came running and dropped everything means that she is a true friend for Magnus. And for that I couldn’t be more grateful at the moment. It still hurts me I wasn’t there from the start, but I am happy Magnus has other amazing caring people in his life.

 

After I walked in, she told me to go see Magnus and that she would join with some soup short after. However as soon as Magnus was sleeping, we both didn’t want to wake him so I told Caterina I would make sure he will eat something later. I thanked her for taking such good care of him and told her I would handle it from here. She deserves a good rest too after rushing over here. Like Magnus had she was still finishing up some part of the project and needed to get back to work. She smiled at me one last time and left out of the door.

 

I think Magnus wanted us to meet each other under happier circumstances but I think she and I will get along just fine either way. She didn’t looked angry with me for neglecting Magnus’ calls. All I see was her kind eyes as she looked between Magnus and me. I could feel approval of just her gaze. I know she isn’t judging me or anything, but I feel like I let Magnus down.

 

That’s why I will try my damn hardest to take better care of Magnus in the future. I have to do better. For Magnus. In order to be there for Magnus, I know I need to take proper care of myself too. I know now that I can’t give my best to Magnus if I am not on my best either.  That doesn’t mean I am not scared to meet Helen again tomorrow though. Deep down I know I need this therapy session. With all that has been going on with my mom and the recent panic attacks I need to get back on track, but it’s just so hard to get started again.

 

Having another panic attack opened my eyes more. It’s clear I still have a long way to go. It’s not that I do mind that, it’s more like I can’t ignore the problems any longer. Me being miserable about having no other friends than my siblings and just a few people with whom I hang out once in a while, make me still freak out if I think about it. It’s this feeling of loneliness nagging at me once in. awhile when no one is around. And I hate that. It makes me feel miserable. I think I need some help on that too. I am not even sure if I can fix that, but I promise myself I will be honest with Helen this time.

 

Right now, all I can think about is my head being so stuffed with thoughts running around. Like on one hand I am grateful to be with Magnus again and on the other hand I feel like I can’t take it anymore. It’s this feeling of exhaustion and determination to do better at the same time. A kind of numbness and sadness flowing through me and simultaneously I feel the warmth of a small flame deep inside me, craving for more air, waiting to burst wide open and be free to burn bright. To shine the light within my whole body.

 

And I think, no I know, when I am able to feel the warmth of that flame on the surface, I can share it with others too, to brighten their days as well. I know I will get there, it just takes time to process all that is happening, but when I do get there I know I will be more ready than ever.

 

All these feelings are very conflicting but that’s just how it is right now and I try to come to terms with that. It feels like there is going to be a change in my life. Magnus was right, I have been doing better since I started therapy, those panic attack in the last few days have just been a minor set back. I only have to get up again and restart. Nothing wrong with that.

 

I am being brought back from my thoughts by Magnus stirring in his sleep. A second later I feel him sighing and twisting a bit to settle more closely on my chest. One hand on my heart and the other settled against my hip bone. I turn my head towards him and kiss his hair.

 

“Good evening sleeping beauty”

 

“Hi”, Magnus says with a crooked voice from sleeping.

 

“How are you feeling babe?”, I lay my hand gently on his forehead to see if he is still burning up. Luckily, his temperature seems to be steadier, which I already expected as he didn’t sweat tremendously in his sleep.

 

“A little bit better, my head though is still pounding like crazy.”

 

“Alright, let me fix that right away, I will be back in a second.”

 

Magnus wants to protest by hugging me closer, but he gives up as he is still too tired to do anything at all. Still so fricking adorable.

 

I wander to the bathroom and get a glass of water and some aspirin.

 

Once Magnus drank the whole glass I am satisfied and return back into bed to resume our previous position. Magnus seems to relax again and closes his eyes for a bit.

 

“Alex- I- I am sorry for being lousy company”, he tries to tell me between heavy coughs.

 

“What? Nonsense Mags, you just don’t have the energy to do anything, that’s all. Don’t worry about it babe. Just go back to sleep. I don’t mind.”

 

Magnus doesn’t speak any more and tries to nod, but soon he is fast asleep again.

I can’t help but admire his face. Fully relaxed, face smoothen out. I notice the beginning of stubble on his chin, as he didn’t have the energy to take properly shave like he normally does. I think a warm bath would be a good idea. Not that he smells very badly, but it might still be nice for his muscles too. I try to move away as gentle as possible as I sneak out of bed and head into the bathroom again. I turn on the water and puts some nice essentials oils into the water which I know Magnus loves to do himself too.

 

It should take a while before the bad is ready so I decided to call Izzy in the meantime. She probably just got home but I have to tell her I will stay the night at Magnus’. There is no way I am going to let him be on his own.

 

“Hello big brother to what do I owe the pleasure?”, Izzy says cheerfully.

 

“Hey Izzy”, I try to sound as enthusiastic as possible, but I know I must fail terribly when she speaks next.

 

“Alec are you alright? Should I come over? Where are you even? Don’t worry just give me a second and I will be on my wa-“

 

“Woah Izzy calm down I’m fine. Well could be better but-“, I sigh and try to take a deep breath but can’t continue as Izzy interrupts me.

 

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, no beating around the bush, you better tell me what’s wrong right now”, Izzy tells me sternly but I know she means well.

 

“Alright, jeezz, calm down already woman. So Magnus is having a fever and I wanted to let you know I am staying here tonight, but that’s not the entire reason I am calling you.”

 

This time I manage to pause for a second without Izzy interrupting me. She probably senses this is important and knows I need some time to figure out the right words.

 

“So I wanted to tell you and Jace in person but we haven’t seen each other a lot these days and I need to get this of my chest and I want you to know. Mom is back. And she came to our apartment a couple days ago. As you probably can tell it didn’t go very well.”

 

“Oh Alec, I am sorry I wasn’t there”, Izzy starts but this time and don’t let her speak another word.

 

“Hey Izzy, it’s not your fault, don’t you dare apologize. She would have come sooner or later and in a way  I am glad she did now. It means I don’t have to worry about her any longer.”

 

“Yeah you are right big bro. Soo can you tell me what happened?”, she tried to approach the subject very gently.

 

“Mom found out about Magnus and me and she insulted him right into my face. I don’t know where it came from Iz, but I got so mad. at her. I honestly was a bit scared of myself. Anyway, that’s not the point, I told her she can fuck off, because she never cared before and I don’t want her in my life if she keeps trying to change who I am or what I do with my life. But after that I had a panic attack and her words really got to me. And the worst part is I didn’t notice Magnus got the flu, only because I was so caught up being miserable with myself.”

 

It feels nice to let it out and to let Izzy know, because she will understand, but at the same time saying it out loud makes it more real and I am also scared to lose the thing I still had with my mom, even though we didn’t get along very well.

 

“Oh Alec, that’s terrible. I am glad you told me though. Excuse my French but mom can back off for fucks sake. You know her opinion doesn’t matter right? As long as you and Magnus are happy together that’s the only thing that really matters. I am proud you stood up for yourself brother. You deserve only kindness and if mom isn’t able to give you that, then it’s only her loss. You know there is nothing wrong with getting more distance. Just know that Jace and I will be by your side, no matter what happens. And you don’t have to be scared to share this next time. You know how I think about mom. She missed her chance. She has to do some work on herself and see reason before she can enter your life again. Maybe it’s for the best you told her to go for the time being.”

 

“Yeah you are right, thank you Izzy. I don’t know what I would do without you. You can let Jace know too by the way, it’s fine with me. I will talk to him soon though, but for now I need to be there for Magnus.”

 

“Alec? You know Magnus loves you right?”

 

“Yeah of course I do, why?”

 

“Because I can tell you are beating yourself up about not being there for Magnus. It’s not your fault okay? You didn’t just decide to panic. It’s not something you control. And I know you will learn to control it in time, because you are so strong, brother. Look how far you have come already.”

 

“But-“, I want to tell her but I don’t get a chance.

 

“No buts, Alec. Magnus understands it is not you who wants to feel the way you do. He knows you can’t control it all the time and you are doing your best to get better. That’s all he is asking for. I understand why you feel like you failed him, but Alec it’s only human to make mistakes. Don’t overthink it, just let Magnus now you are there for him too. That’s all you both need.”

 

“Yeah I know you are right. Thanks Izz. Really for everything”, I tell her gratefully.

 

“Anytime big bro. Now get back to that man of yours and take good care of him.”, Izzy tells me with a much lighter tone again.

 

“Yeah I will”, I tell her determinedly before I ask, “and Izzy?”

 

“Yes?”, she asks curiously.

 

“I love you”, I tell her trying to convey how much it means to me that she helps me so much, every single time.

 

“As do I big brother, always.”, and then we hang up the phone.

 

In the meantime the tub is filled with hot water so I get some towels and a new set of clothes ready for Magnus to wear after a bath. I return to the bedroom to find Magnus setting right up in bed, wide-eyed and looking very anxious at me.

 

I rush to his side of the bed, “Hey darling, what’s wrong?”

 

Before Magnus can get a word out, he almost doubles over and vomits right over the sheets. I get the bucket right next to his bed and help him to sit straighter.

 

“Hey it’s okay, let it out”, I try to reassure Magnus by making soothing circles on his back as he dry heaves into the bucket. It seems like there is nothing left for him to throw up.

 

I remove the sheets from his legs and brush some hair out of his face.

 

“How about you let me clean you up and then I refresh the bed for you, hmm?”

 

Magnus looks still in pain, but when I tell him my idea, he visible relaxes. He nods curtly before he tenses up again, hands clamping onto his stomach.

 

“Give me the b-“, he tries to tell me before he goes again.

 

Luckily, I was faster this time and nothing got ruined in the process this time.

 

This time it takes longer for Magnus to recover from it, but when he does he collapses on the bed, eyes closed again.

 

I take him gently into my arms as I whisper in his ear that it’s going to be alright. Magnus just hangs onto me with his eyes still close, head resting on my chest. Too exhausted to respond at all.

 

When we get into the bathroom, I put him down to sit on the bath tub. I let him lean onto me by bringing his hands to my shoulders while I kneel in front of him to take of his socks. I hesitate a moment before my hands stop in the air.

 

It’s not that this is even the time of thinking about doing anything sex-related, but I don’t want Magnus to feel uncomfortable with being naked in front of me. Admittedly we have made out a few times without shirts and yes some of those make out sessions got a bit steamy on the couch, but other than that we have been taking it slow.

 

It’s something I have been scary to admit but I don’t feel comfortable for that yet. It’s not that I don’t trust Magnus, it’s just that I need to work up the courage myself, to let myself allow that. And I need time for that.

 

Magnus didn’t give me in any way the feeling we have to rush our physical relationship. I feel stupid that we still haven’t done _it_ since we are already six months together, but I can’t let myself worry about that right now.

 

To make this as comfortable as possible for Magnus, who only seems so be half conscious and I don’t want him to feel like I am taking advantage of him in this state, I get a towel and take off his sweat pants as quick as possible and replace it with a towel around his hips, before I look back to him. Next I take off his shirt, which is less of a problem as Magnus and I already had a talk about being comfortable around each other without shirts. Now he’s is fully naked- well apart from the towel of course- and I check the water temperature.

 

Magnus starts shivering and I help him to step in the bath carefully. The water is covered with bubbles so I don’t have to worry about that. Once Magnus is fully settled into the tub he lets out a deep sigh and relaxes into the water

 

I take Magnus’ favorite soap bar and start cleaning his arms. Magnus doesn’t seem to mind and I work my way down to his legs and toes. I avoid his private parts and let it be for now. After I am done I let him rest a bit more in the water. He seems to enjoy the warmth.

 

“Mags?”

 

He hums to let me know he can hear me.

 

“I am going to make some tea alright? I will be back in a second.”

 

Another hum.

 

I take that as a yes and head quickly to the kitchen to fix some tea and heat up some soup. He has to get some fluids in his body as he got nothing in his stomach anymore.  

 

When I return Magnus has his eyes open and looks more rested. He takes the cup from my hand and drinks some of the tea.

 

“Thank you Alexander”, he smiles a bit at me.

 

“Nothing to thank me for babe, now how about we get you dried and then move to the bed?”

 

“Actually, can we lay on the cough for a while, I am sick of the bed to be honest.”

 

“Yeah of course, whatever you prefer”, before I help him up I get a towel ready to wrap around his waist again, but Magnus puts his hand on my wrist.

 

“Thank you for being so thoughtful darling but it’s okay, I will get dressed up in a bit.”

 

I nod and try not to blush, _For fuck’s sake Lightwood get it together, it’s only Magnus being naked, not like you are too._ I help him out of the water and don’t look at him as I turn around to give him some space to get dressed.

 

“You alright? Or do you need some help?”, I ask just in case, but then I realize how it must sound, “Oh. Sorry mags, I-I don’t mean to pry of course, but you know-“

 

Magnus chuckles for the first time in forever, “It’s alright darling you can turn around I’m dressed. And by the way I wouldn’t mind you prying”, he tells me while winking.

 

Teasing Magnus is back so that must mean he is definitely feeling a lot better after his bath. I smile at him softly.

 

We move to the couch. This time Magnus lays his head in my lap as I sit straight on the sofa. and enjoy the comfortable silence for a bit. I realize I forgot the soup in the kitchen so before Magnus gets too comfortable in my lap I decide it’s best to rush to the kitchen to get some.

When I return, I help Magnus into a sitting position so he can eat properly. I just hang my head back for a second, only now realizing how exhausted I am myself from this day.

 

It’s Magnus who breaks the silence first.

 

“Darling?”, he asks hesitantly.

 

“Yeah?”, I turn my head towards him, curious to know what’s on his mind.

 

“I really love you for taking care of me babe, but did you already eat something too?”

 

“Uhm no not yet, but don’t worry I will make a sandwich or something in a bit.”

 

“Alexander, you can’t forget to take care of yourself too. It’s not some afterthought, it should be a priority.”

 

What he is saying makes so much sense, but it feels like it isn’t very important. It feels like the umpteenth time today I have heard this one way or another. First myself thinking back to all the events, then my talk with Izzy and now Magnus too. I don’t know at what moment it really hits me, but before I can control it I let out the ugliest sob possible. I put my hand before my mouth to stop the sounds coming, but it’s too late, Magnus already noticed.

 

“Hey darling, get here.”, he sets the soup down on the coffee table and opens his arms.

 

I really don’t want to argue about not needing it, but if I am being honest that’s all I want right now.

 

I settle in his arms on the couch and together we lay down. His arms loosely around my shoulders. Magnus still doesn’t have a lot of strength, but it doesn’t matter. His closeness is enough. I bring my arms around his waist and shift a bit so he can rest on me instead. It feels nice to just be close. To do or think anything else feels too overwhelming right now. It doesn’t matter anyway. Magnus still needs to recover. Tomorrow is another day. There is a lot that I need to sort out but I will be ready when the day comes. For now I could use some sleep. And what better way than in the arms of the love of my life?

 

 


	6. Because you matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for a little flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Time for a small update. I know, I know I really suck at updating. But to all of you who still hang around, I hope you enjoy this small piece. I have thought a bit about how to continue this story and ideas have to be worked out. In the mean time I have this for you. Hope you have a wonderful day!
> 
> Love, 
> 
> Confettisprinkles

It’s been two days since I last stepped foot in my own apartment. With Magnus feeling sick I promised I would be at his to take care of him. Slowly but steadily Magnus has been doing better, so much even that I feel comfortable to let him alone for a while just so I can get some clean clothes and take care of Church as well. It’s not as Izzy and Jace haven’t been taking care of him, but I feel I have neglected Church a bit the last week.

 

As soon as I walk into the living room Church peaks around the corner and gracefully walks up to me. He rubs his face against my leg and begins to purr.

 

“Hey buddy, I missed you too”, I whisper to him as I pick him up and put him in my lap as I sit down on the couch.

 

The last days have been pretty exhausting, both mentally and physically. I wouldn’t trade caring for Magnus for anything in the world but I know I need some time for myself as well.

 

Since my talk with mom I can’t seem to shake this anger. I feel on edge the whole time and everything triggers memories from the past. Mistakes I have made. People I have hurt. I want to forget this ugly side of my, to stop the negative thoughts, but I can’t.

 

Even if I seem to enjoy my day for a moment, it all feels pointless because the next moment everything comes crashing down on me. it’s like I only deserve a good moments before I relapse into a state of negativity. And from there I just spiral down into that black hole again.

 

It’s my own fricking fault. I am too weak to fight it. I would never admit it out loud but it’s actually kind of comforting. To just burn yourself to the ground, to confirm all that is wrong with me.

 

I know it’s bad. I know I shouldn’t. I am so fricking weak. It’s only myself telling these things. If I was really strong I would be able to fight that voice inside my head. I would stand up for myself and tell it to go fuck itself. I would get up and _do_ something. I would achieve all my dreams. And instead I am just playing the victim. Blaming myself for everything that’s going wrong. Telling myself that it’s never going to get any better.

 

Because that’s the easy thing to do. Because it’s so scary to ask myself what I truly want. To ask myself what my dreams are. My inspirations. My hopes for the future. Because I don’t have any. Because I can’t get myself out of that black hole. I am just never ready and never going to be if I don’t do something about it.

 

I was supposed to meet Helen yesterday for a new therapy session. I used the excuse that I needed to take care of Magnus, but in reality, I was too scared to go. I am a fucking coward. A lazy ass. A nobody.

 

Magnus agreed I could postpone it, but only for as long as I needed to be at his side. Since he insisted, I went back to my place for a while and he assured me he will be fine in the mean time or else he would call me. Magnus also made sure I called Helen again to make a new appointment. I spoke to Lydia, her assistant, and she scheduled me for tomorrow. It was like she could sense it was long overdue and she made sure I got in as soon as possible.

 

I don’t even know how to put all my thoughts into words and let Helen know how I exactly feel, but we will see how it goes tomorrow.

 

Right now I just want to hug Church, who is now asleep in my lap. Or I would like to punch something. Hard. It’s only extremes these days that I like to feel. Otherwise numbness tends to take over. And I prefer to feel everything than nothing at all.

* * *

 

FLASHBACK

 

_Why are you even here?_

_Nobody wants you here_  
Disgusting fagg  
Pathetic  
He has no friends, nobody gives a fuck about him 

_What a creep_

_I would hate myself_

_Hate_  
Hate  
Hate 

_Nobody gives a fuck_

_Why are you even here? Nobody wants you here._

_Faggot  
Eww gross _

_He has no friends  
Nobody gives a fuck about him _

The words still echo in my mind as I slowly start to wake up. The first thing I notice are the beeping sounds around me and that typical smell around hospitals. Then I start to open my eyes more and take in the surroundings. Bed. Small room. White walls. Curtains drawn.

I lay in a bed that I don’t recognize as my own. A infushion attached to my wrist. And a bandage wrapped around my other wrist.

I jolt awake as I finally remember the night before.

 

“Hey easy there buddy”, I hear Jace’s voice from beside me.

I turn my head to find Jace and Izzy sitting next to me.

Izzy is slumbed down in her chair and seems to be asleep.

Jace seems to be awake for a while and gives me a soft smile.

 

“Hey, it’s okay Alec, you are safe.”, he tries to reassure me as I look around confused.

I want to get out of bed to drink some water but Jace moves forward and pushes me gently back on the cushions.

 

“Hey let me do it, okay? You need to rest buddy”, I nod as he reaches for a glass of water.

 

I drank the whole thing in one go and then settle down again on the bed.

 

Jace chuckles, “Thirsty huh?”

 

All of a sudden I feel very nauseous and need to close my eyes for a bit.

 

Jace must notice the change in my behaviour as he asks, “You alright man?”

 

I slowly nod and try to use my voice, “Y-yeah just dizzy.”

 

“Yeah you need to get your strength back, bud. You lost a lot of blood.”

 

Only thinking about what caused all this makes me ten times more nauseous.

I shut my eyes down firmly and turn on my side to avoid Jace looking right at me.

I can’t think about what happened. I just can’t. It hurts too much. I feel terrible enough for letting Jace see me like this. Like this weak person. Like someone less. I know I royally fucked up this time and now I have to face the consequences.

_Not so brave now huh? You coward. Look at what chaos you have caused. You didn’t hurt yourself hard enough and now you fucking hurt them too. Well done. Well fucking done Lightwood. You should have tried harder. Then it wasn’t all for nothing._

Jace however is stubborn and doesn’t give up.

He walks around the bed and I feel the bed dip where he sits down.

Jace hesistantly speaks,

“Alec, it’s okay, really.”

I don’t respond but I feel Jace’s hand on my shoulder this time.

 

“We will get through this alright?  We love you no matter what and we will stay by your side Alec, please let us.”

I don’t manage to open my eyes but I try to nod to let him know I hear him.

 

I don’t know how or when exactly but I drift off into sleep again but the next moment I open my eyes I see Izzy sitting close to me, her hand on top of mine.

I look around and see Jace isn’t in the room anymore.

 

Izzy must follow my gaze, “He’s getting some coffee, Jace will be back soon.”

 

I sit up straighter and sit with my back against the head board.

 

“Izz- I am s-“, I try to tell her, but she interrupts me.

 

“Shh, it’s alright Alec, please don’t apologize, let us just be there for you, okay?”, Izzy speaks firmly but I can see unshed tears in her eyes welling up.

I don’t want to see Izzy crying over me so I accept it.

I feel much more energized after the second nap and like to try to stand up for a while, before I managed however Izzy protest but this time I feel like I am strong enough to handle that.

I hold my hand up for her to let me speak, “No Izzy, please let me get out, I feel like I am going to suffocate if I stay in bed any longer.”

 

She keeps staring at me worriedly but nods anyway.

 

I put my feet on the ground and slowly push myself up. I stretch my joints before I take a few steps and sit down at the small table beside my bed.

 

At that moment Jace comes back with a tray full of coffee and some pastries.

 

“Sorry it took so long, but I came across the pastries and they had your favorite Alec”

My mouth starts watering at the sight. Eclairs with hazelnut and chocolate. Right now I couldn’t think of something more amazing.

We sit in silence as we enjoy our food and hot coffee. Just what we needed. What I needed. A moment of peace.

But as soon as the moment is over it hits me hard again. Why I am even here.

_He has no friends  
Nobody gives a fuck about him _

Tears well up into my eyes and I want to shield myself away from Izzy and Jace.

_Disgusting piece of shit_

_Pathetic_

_Why are you even here?_

_What’s the point?_

Izzy keeps a close look at me the whole time so as soon as she notice the change in emotions she walks up to me and hugs me close.

 

“It’s okay Alec, let it out, it’s just us okay? You don’t have to be ashamed of all of this.”

 

I start to sob but want to argue with Izzy.

“O-of course I am ashamed, I-I don’t want you guys to see me. To see me like t-this,” I manage to say between hiccups, “I don’t want to burden you. Just let me manage on my own, alright?”

 

I try to tell them as determined as possible but it doesn’t sound very convincing, not even to my own ears.

 

“Of course not Alec, we are not going to let you suffer alone again okay?”, Jace begins,

“You don’t have to bear this burden alone. We are here for you no matter what.”

 

I scoff and feel the anger in me rising.

 

“What’s the point Jace?”, I almost scream at him. Jace seems to be taken aback by my reaction but doesn’t seem convince by any of my words.

“What do you mean what’s the point? You matter Alec, no matter how hard you have convinced yourself that there isn’t, it’s just not true okay?”

 

“How do you know, Jace? How do you know I am not bad? I am nothing. A nobody. I only hurt you. I am disgusting. It’s pathetic even. I don’t want to be a burden any longer. I should have gotten thro-”

I hear Izzy gasp as I ramble all this.

 

“NO Alec don’t you dare finish that sentence! How can you even say something like that?! It’s not true, you are my bro-“

“No Izzy don’t get there, It’s not worth it. I am not worth it. Why are you still here? I am not even a good sibling. I am supposed to take care of you and in stead all I doing is taking away from you.  What’s the point then? There is nothing good left to keep fighting for.”

 

“Alec don’t say that-“, Izzy tries again but I can’t handle it anymore.

 

“GET OUT”

 

“Hey bud, please calm down, we don’t want to upset you, just let us be there for you.”, Jace softly whispers, like he is afraid I will get even more upset. If that’s even possible. I feel like exploding apart. And at this moment that would be a great relieve. I can’t think clearly, it feels like a big mess. And I can’t take their words for sure.

I feel like I want to break something. Or scream again. Just anything, anything to remove the pain, because it fricking hurts so much. All I want to do is slam my head against the wall until I pass out. To finally feel some peace.

 

I can feel this whirl wind in my brain taking a toll on me. I can’t do anything about it but my body seems to choose a way of it’s own. My whole body starts shaking and I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.

 

Ironically, at this moment I feel a laugh bubbling up. Fucking pathetic.

 

“That’s my whole fricking point! There is nothing left to be there for, just go! Let me alone!”

 

Izzy doesn’t seem like she is going to give up and wants to reason again with me but I have reached my peak.

 

Before she opens her mouth I grab the nearest thing and throw it at her direction.

 

A book crashed against the wall beside her.

Silence erupts across the room for a moment, until it dawns on me what I just have done. 

 

Izzy seems to be in shock for a moment, before she wants to speak up.

“O my god I didn’t mean to,” I start to sob loudly this time without restraints.

 

 

“Izzy I am sorry, please I am sorry, I-“

 

Izzy looks still at me with big eyes, but this times doesn’t speak.

 

“Just go please, it hurts. O my god I can’t do this, just please go.”

 

Izzy however does the exact opposite because she knows me better than anyone else.

 

She rushes to my side and I have no time to fully comprehend what’s she is doing, as my vision is blurred by my tears, before I feel her hugging me tightly against her chest. I want to wriggle my way out of her grip but she is stronger right now.

“Izzy, no just let me-“, I try but I have no strength to actually get out of her arms.

 

She just hugs me tighter and whispers against my ear, “Shh just let me Alec, just let it out.”


End file.
